Salsa > BF avid salsa dancer

Discussion in 'Salsa' started by Beth, Oct 5, 2017.

  1. Beth

    Beth New Member

    My bf is an avid salsa dancer-lives and breathes it. Weve dated off and on 3yrs. He said day 1 he didnt want to date anyone he dances with yet this is the majority of his life. How can i not feel excluded? The handful of times ive gone with him to the salsa club i end up sitting and watching him -- he dances with everyone & whoever he wants and he tells me who i can dance with. I practically have to get permission. So i just quit going. It was causing probs. I love dancing- of all kinds. I love salsa and bachata. I thought learning salsa/bachata would help things. But not really. He says ill never understand his way of life when it comes to dancing. Hes puerto rican so he always says its in his blood, its his culture, hus heritage, etc. Im all for doing things on our own but every fri and sat he has to go out til 3/4am to dance and asking him to spend a wknd with me is asking him to cut off his foot! I live an hour away and he says accept me for me- i have but what about me? He makes me feel selfish when i dont think im asking that much. I would really like to be part of the dancing but he doesn't want me to. He goes to several salsa congresses/conventions every year- theyre wknd long events. Those take priority over everything. I can count on not spending time together when a comgress/convention comes up.. Is this overboard on his part? I just want to share in the things we do.
  2. MaggieMoves

    MaggieMoves Well-Known Member

    The only reason I can think of him as not wanting to dance with you is that he wants to dance with a larger number of women. A man or woman that comes as a couple is generally avoided a bit more by others on the dance floor.

    There are things you can do to avoid that though - it just sounds like he has his own personal reasons that you really need to find out. I wouldn't put up with it for long.
    Beth likes this.
  3. Beth

    Beth New Member

    I admit, I feel like he's using our long distance relationship to his advantage to keep me out of the dancing scene. Of course, how can I not question what he's doing on wknds when I'm not there and he doesn't invite me to go along dancing? I don't see him all wk so wknds is the only time I can see him. We might occasionally go out to other places dancing but I can tell he doesn't really enjoy it. I'm a beginner dancer and he's a much more advanced dancer. He doesn't even want to really teach me. I feel it's his opportunity to have his cake and eat it so to speak. He really feels he's a "celebrity" of sorts in the local club he goes to every wknd.
  4. MaggieMoves

    MaggieMoves Well-Known Member

    Loki, cornutt and Beth like this.
  5. Jag75

    Jag75 Active Member

    Here we go again...
    Loki and Bailamosdance like this.
  6. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    I can understand being reluctant to start a relationship within one's dance scene, since if it goes badly, the fallout can mess with the environment and community that is so valued. But (supposedly) being in a relationship and actively preventing your romantic partner from willingly joining you there... that's very different, and I can't come up with an explanation I could live with, myself. The dance part is irrelevant in my mind; based on what you say, he doesn't value spending time with you. Even if you managed to negotiate for more time with him, I can't imagine he'd do it ungrudgingly. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to spend time with you?
    Beth likes this.
  7. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    Leave the salsa scene to your bf, don't always try to squeeze in!
    Learn argentine tango instead!
  8. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    Dump him. Sorry. Way too many red flags. Especially the accept me as I am crap. Real men make an effort for the ladies they care about. He’s feeding his ego with the salsa scene. I understand the allure . if I hadn’t already been married and dancing with my wife that trap would be easy to fall into
    Beth, FancyFeet, AirColor and 2 others like this.
  9. AirColor

    AirColor Member

    To be fair dancing and dating a person who's at a significantly lower/higher level could cause unnecessary frictions and arguments. If you always danced with him you'd feel like he's doing it out of obligation, that he's not really enjoying dancing with you, and like you're inferior compared to other dancers he's dancing with. I would think that's the main reason why he's avoiding dancing with you.

    On the other hand though if you really care about someone you would consider their feelings and needs and would either allow them to integrate into your life or otherwise come up with a compromise. The fact that he's doing neither, and the fact that he's actively selecting who you get to dance with makes me think that he's an incredibly insecure person, who may also be using salsa/bachata to make connections that you may not approve of. Either way he doesn't seem like a person who you'd want to be with so I agree with Mr 4 styles here.
    Beth likes this.
  10. Beth

    Beth New Member

    I've never tried to "squeeze in". In fact he took me to the salsa club on his own the first time, and he told me what the "rules" were the first time - "don't disrespect me, no pda, don't dance with (and he listed off names) and he said I'll let you know who is ok to dance with. I would look at him to get a nod of approval to dance with a guy if someone asked me. But yet, he asked any woman he wanted. It felt like a double standard. I ended up just quitting going altogether bc I didn't want to feel like just a prop. I've took WCS and other dance lessons and he always made jealous remarks. So if he can have practice partners and dance , then what's the difference with me doing the same thing? It's not revenge, but i just want to feel like I can enjoy something on my own too. If I am to spend the wknds by myself instead of with him , then I need an outlet. He even told me try WCS... but he "jokingly" makes jealous remarks. I've always encouraged him to do what makes him happy.
  11. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    Run, Beth, run. Run very fast.
  12. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    I'll give that there is a sliver of a possibility that he knows which guys at the club are mashers and is trying to warn you off of them. But if that's true, then other women at the club should be able to confirm. But other than that possibility, yeah, F that. Dance with whom you want. And I'll agree with the others above that this sounds like a problematic relationship in general.
  13. RiseNFall

    RiseNFall Well-Known Member

    But keep the dancing. ;)
    Beth, MaggieMoves and cornutt like this.
  14. SoAndSo

    SoAndSo New Member


    I have made VERY bad experience with guys playing the racial card to excuse treating their girlfriends badly. And their main reason to keep them away from dancing, usually is to keep following their "identity" which usually means a guy who is chasing every nice skirt, when his girlfriend isn't around.

    By what you are describing, there are too many red flags for dishonesty and controlling behavior. What you are describing simply sounds like a charming but very bad person you fell for.
    Beth likes this.
  15. Beth

    Beth New Member

    In regards to what Cornutt said, he's given me that "excuse" a lot... "I'm trying to do you a favor by protecting you" I know - all guys want is one thing." So when questioned him and said, oh "are you all guys?" He of course said he's different. He's nothing like them. Lol. Having not been part of the salsa scene very long I AM trying to be fair and give benefit of the doubt. That's why I'm asking and trying to get outside opinion. Im a single mom and when I actually have free time I just, for once, would like an honest, giving man.
    Oh, did I mention... this guy is 57yrs old? He seems to only drink on wknds when he's dancing. But he tells me all the time "I just want to learn new dance patterns, the ppl here are just beginners and don't challenge me". So i guess bc I started out a beginner, I'm not worth his time.
  16. Beth

    Beth New Member

    ... not to mention, he was once a beginner, right?
  17. Beth

    Beth New Member

    Thanks everyone for your feedback.
  18. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    Beth, save yourself now. There's no reason for you to be treated like a skin rash by a so-called significant other.
    Beth likes this.
  19. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    Seriously. We were all beginners once. I make it a point to do some dances with beginners on a given Friday night -- after all, some experienced dancers did that for me, back when.
    Beth and RiseNFall like this.
  20. Beth

    Beth New Member

    Thank you to those who have given words of encouragement and support. I appreciate it very much!!!
    cornutt likes this.

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