Salsa > Crushing on Salsa Instructor

Discussion in 'Salsa' started by Salsera1993, Jan 7, 2017.

  1. Salsera1993

    Salsera1993 New Member

    Hi all! This is my first time posting on here & I apologise in advance if this gets a bit lengthy!

    So..
    I'm very much a salsa newbie, I've only been having casual group lessons once a week for just over two months & one private lesson in that time with my instructor.

    I wasn't attracted to him at first, I only saw him as my teacher, full stop. A few lessons I started to find myself attracted to him (he's got quite the bod & is charming to boot)

    As far as I can gauge he's been quite flirty with me.. but I would like to get an outside opinion. For exmple:
    When I had my private salsa lesson he firstly complimented me when he walked in, then told me he wanted to fix my arms so he tied. me. up.

    Then after the lesson (which ran 30 mins over time) came up to my table where I was chatting with other dancers and said "should I put your name on this?" #Blush

    When chatting with other people (my best friend & cousin) they will ask him a question and he will direct the answer at me, staring intensely into my eyes (and boy does that get my heart pumping!)

    However, then we have the other side of the spectrum.. At our salsa xmas party he made an effort to dance with all of the other ladies for a song or two then when I finally got my dance with him he spends no more than a minute with me and "dame"s me off to another poor unsuspecting male student (mind you he was having a great time dancing with his partner & it took two persistent attempts from my instructor to get him to understand he wanted to swap) I made sure to dressed to impress, so I was feeling quite rejected at this stage.

    I then had our normal group lesson a few days later during which he was his flirty self again & we established our ages (he's 15 years my senior). We ended the night with a farewell hug & kiss on the cheek and he asked me for the name of the store I work at & confirmed the date of my next private lesson (I didn't remind him I wanted another)

    I sent him an innocent text for xmas to which he did not reply

    My question to all of you wise salseras/salseros is do you think he is interested & if he is, do you think it might be the student/teacher boundary or our age difference that's causing him to back away? Additionally should I make a move/let him make a move?

    I greatly appreciate any advice you may have! I'm feeling beyond confused at this stage..

    Thank you,
    Salsera1993
     
  2. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    You are not the first dance student to experience this. I suggest navigating to the home page on this forum, then look for the search box at the top of the right-hand column (desktop anyways, mobile might be in a different spot). Use the search term "crush on teacher".

    You can read the resulting threads. While your situation might be uniquely different, odds of a successful relationship are low. Generic advice is to not get involved romantically. If you can manage your feelings, keep taking lessons from him but either ignore his flirting or flirt back with the subtext that "nothing's going to happen" but only if you can manage that. If you can't manage your feelings, then maybe you should consider looking for another instructor.
     
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  3. raindance

    raindance Well-Known Member

    He is trying to sell dance lessons. It is working.
     
    Mia, Loki, wooh and 3 others like this.
  4. Phooey

    Phooey New Member

    He's not interested. The non-reply to the text basically says it all. Leaving no evidence of improper conduct, i.e. contact outside of the studio---so he can easily deny leading you on from his end.

    A man who is experienced and knows what he is doing, will pursue you effectively without leaving any doubt. It would be different if he were young, shy, or socially awkward. A male salsa instructor who has had a good deal of experience dealing with women who fawn over him is unlikely to be secretly crushing on you and just too shy to do anything about it. You may be grasping for straws----don't waste any more time on this. You'd be better off chatting up the next "poor unsuspecting male student" who was likely much more impressed by what you were wearing, and too shy to mention it :)
     
    Mia, IndyLady and ajiboyet like this.
  5. RiseNFall

    RiseNFall Well-Known Member

    What they said. Either selling lessons and/or making lessons more entertaining/enjoyable. Sometimes teachers don't realize the potential damage they are inflicting on students, sometimes they do. Somebody is going to come along and say, "but SOMETIMES it's genuine and the relationship works out." Re-read @Phooey's reply above. Frequently. ;)
     
  6. Phooey

    Phooey New Member

    Just to be clear.

    These are NOT clear signs of interest that show intent:
    Looking at you in the eyes with intensity
    Asking about the next private lesson
    Asking about where you work
    Complimenting your dancing

    (All of these may be for the sale of private lessons, or to boost his ego knowing that someone has the hots for him. He gets a rush from the eye locking, do not doubt this, but it may be for different reasons that what you are experiencing)

    These are signs he is not interested:
    Ignoring your text
    Ignoring you at a dance


    These signs show interest with intent that leave no doubt:
    He asks you out
    He was to publicly acknowledge something between you and him
    He wants to meet your family
    He introduces you to key people in his life
     
    ajiboyet likes this.
  7. ajiboyet

    ajiboyet Well-Known Member

    First of all, welcome to DF!

    No.

    Moot.

    No.
     
    Loki likes this.
  8. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    Agree with all the above. Keep your dance relationships and love life relationships separate. Until you marry the one and get him to learn to dance too
     
    Purr, JTh, Salsera1993 and 2 others like this.
  9. Salsera1993

    Salsera1993 New Member

    Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have come to realise this question has been asked a few times more than it should be, so thank you furthermore for having the patience & tenacity to help a sister out.
    Truly appreciative.. Your answers have helped me to escape my delusion! Lol
     
    Mr 4 styles and RiseNFall like this.
  10. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    Good. You'll be spared a lot of angst, drama and embarrassment.
     
    Mr 4 styles likes this.
  11. JTh

    JTh Member

    I'm not fully sure on this..he could just be trying to play it cool and thus not make any clear and direct moves..he might want this to develop into something...or it may fizzle out..
    I wouldn't discount the possibility that he is interested.. Likely not though for the reasons above.
    Ask him to give you an introductory course on AT...then you will know either way :)..amd so will he..how you feel..
     
  12. Salsera1993

    Salsera1993 New Member

    Thank you for your input :)
    Now I feel pretty silly for having to ask.. but what on earth is AT??
     
  13. JTh

    JTh Member

    Argentine tango
     
  14. Salsera1993

    Salsera1993 New Member


    I see! Youtube told me all I needed to know.. ;)
     
  15. JTh

    JTh Member

    Do let us know if you asked for an individual private instructon in AT with this instructor.
    Having said that...there may also be a chance your instructor is on this forum :)
     
  16. RiseNFall

    RiseNFall Well-Known Member

    :)
     
    raindance and snapdancer like this.
  17. raindance

    raindance Well-Known Member

    He's trying to sell lessons. And in this thread, JTh is trying to help him.
     
    Purr, atk, JTh and 3 others like this.
  18. raindance

    raindance Well-Known Member

    Seriously, it is incredibly common for new students to get crushes on their dance teachers. Some teachers purposely encourage the crushes (but without following through and creating an actual relationship) in order to sell extra lessons. Other teachers are not purposely encouraging it, but are just natural targets for crushes because they tend to be good dancers, tend to be attractive, are used to interacting with the opposite sex in their day to day business, may be charming (they are good salespeople and have good people skills), etc.

    New students also tend to fall in love with dance/learning to dance, and some of these feelings get mixed up with thinking they are falling for the person teaching them.

    Yes, occasionally a teacher actually does date a student. (Some teachers even date one student after another, or several at once - yikes.) Typically, this causes a lot of drama and heartache for the student. Said drama and heartache often spills over to others in the dance community. Sometimes teachers lose their jobs (depends on who is running the studio and what their rules are). You can search for old threads here, there are quite a few of them over the years.

    Also keep in mind, even if he were truly interested in you, and even if you started a relationship... many times when he gets a new student there will be a crush on the part of the new student. Some of these students will be sure they are special to him, and will be determined to act on these crushes. His job will be to keep his students happy (in general, to stay in business), and so in many cases teachers don't stomp out all crushes quickly and in a clear way, since they don't want to lose the students. Do you want to be dating a guy that is constantly in that situation??? Jealousy, drama, high potential for temptations to cheat, etc, will frequently surround the situation.

    Best advice is to have fun dancing. Get to know other students. And view the teachers as teachers. Possibly friendly, cute teachers - but just teachers. Not potential dating prospects. You'll have a lot less heartache and drama, and you may even learn to dance along the way. :D
     
  19. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    Here's a question to the OP: Let's pretend that this situation is one of the rare exceptions and this guy is truly interested in you. You're in a relationship, and you see him dancing a bachata with another attractive female. How do you react?
     
  20. twnkltoz

    twnkltoz Well-Known Member

    What everyone else said. Sorry, OP. Enjoy the attention when you get it, but don't let it affect your decisions or how you live your life.

    I only skimmed the other answers, but I'll add something I didn't see. Dancers are friendly people. There's a lot of hugging and squeezing and cheek kissing that goes on. I think we get a messed up sense of body autonomy with all the time we spend in each other's arms. So, something that seems flirty to a non-dancer is just us being us.
     

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