Life is Hard Thread

Discussion in 'Dancers Anonymous' started by TinyDancer109, Dec 6, 2010.

  1. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    I will write now, because I was so overwhelmed earlier. String of events.
    bio-dad, calls 3x in 5 minutes last Wednesday morning.
    "Come quick, something is really wrong, get here as fast as you can"
    This is not something any of us ever wants to hear.
    "Dad, what's wrong" as DH and I stop everything we are doing and hold still.
    Side note: he is as healthy as a racehorse always and never sick a day in his life (83 years young).
    He hangs up, not answering, I call younger sister in downtown and tell her we are headed out, we literally run through the house closing it up and throwing our bags together.
    90 minutes at best, with no traffic and in car pool lane to get out to Palm Desert. As we roll into his development and round the bend, the full paramedic strike team is in front of his house. Yes, I leap out of the car and ran to get information from one of the fire guys as the ambulance was already rolling with someone in it. Let sister know, "dad is being taken by paramedics to hospital" here's the clincher, his wife ( who we adore) had a major spine surgery and was only out of hospital a few days, she is up, nerves on end, not suppose to be out of bed, thank God for DH, he's a rock for her, throws me the car keys, and I high tail it behind the fire dept. unit.
    Fast forward, taking care of folks, her recovery, his recovery, slow but sure, three of us tag teaming but sister has to return to work.
    Find out dad just about overdosed his wife on pain meds, ok, we take over all of THAT. And his recovery as well. It will be long, it will be slow, but at least they have us here, as we cook, shop, clean, reassure, drive, all those things that they have always done without help. We have sit down chat about future help in their house ( which is truly a massive space) and such. Thank goodness they are open to it.
    Son calls, rushing his future wife to hospital, clot probably in leg, etc etc,
    And she is an active healthy lifestyle person as well, but had a blood clot previously.
    We say, ok, that's three, no more, please please please. Dad, step-mom, future DIL. This is why I missed lessons and have been AWOL.
    Pro knows my folks, called with concern, I couldn't even talk, which is not like me.
    When your parent says a sentence or two, that you know they have never uttered in your lifetime, you know something drastic is very wrong.
    I realize this is a long post, but I have to let this out somewhere and I appreciate the DF pals, always.
     
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    lady...big hug to you...that is a lot to asbsorb
     
  3. mindputtee

    mindputtee Well-Known Member

    My grandpa (mom's dad) died last week. He's been declining for a while now so it wasn't unexpected. The funeral is tomorrow morning and I feel really guilty that I can't go. I'd have to miss so much school and so many labs though that are very difficult to make up. All of my siblings and my parents are out in Illinois now though with all my family. My mom understands and when he started declining said she knew it'd be too hard for me to come and that was ok, but I still wish I were there with them.
     
  4. Cal

    Cal Well-Known Member

    3wishes, sending positive thoughts your way
     
  5. Cal

    Cal Well-Known Member

    mindputtee - I'll bet that everyone knows that your thoughts and spirit are right there with them.
     
  6. 3wishes

    3wishes Well-Known Member

    Mindputtee, my sympathies and, I want you to know, our son was in the same position, last October, when his grandpa passed. I preferred that he remember his grandpa as he always had, and not as he was at the end of his life. As much as he missed being there, his grandpa would have understood as well and would have wanted him to keep his school studies commitment not missing a beat. We completely understood.
     
  7. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    hugs to you Mindputtee
     
  8. dancelvr

    dancelvr Well-Known Member

    Supervisor (and good friend) at work just diagnosed with TWO different varieties of cancer. One has spread throughout her body. *sigh* So many people I know (including family) have been diagnosed in the last 18 months. It's like a damned epidemic. :(
     
  9. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    so sorry to hear ....that is positively awful....
     
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  10. FancyFeet

    FancyFeet Well-Known Member

    Continuing to ponder why people react the way that they do, and why I am constantly so bewildered and surprised by their reactions to and interpretations of events and actions... and why I can't seem to not care what they think. Fighting hard to not decide that "screw people, I'm becoming a recluse" is the answer.

    Le sigh.
     
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    well...I think you might want to consider a few things....12 step programs aren't just for addicts, they are for people who have a dysfuntional dynamic with others...they are groups that help you to discern what you have control over what you don't have control over and how to navigate that by focusing more on yourself and what you can control and how you can react differently so as to avoid attracting more dysfunction. I highly recommend it...or at least reading materials on the subject...books on being an adult child of dysfunction and on co-dependency....I will only say that, for me, it was very helpful and I believe it is the sort of work that everyone needs and should do. It really serves little useful purpose to ponder why others do what they do....beyond a certain point, you can't know...even if you ask, you may not get the real motivation....you can only take responsibility for yourself, your intent, and what you are or are not going to do in response....if you want healthier people in your life, be a healthier person, and limit your relationships with people who are highly dysfunctional....
     
  12. FancyFeet

    FancyFeet Well-Known Member

    Thanks Fasc. I'm doing the reading, and the talking to a pro... which is leading to the pondering - supposedly as a step toward realization and concrete changes. Sadly, personal change is hard.

    I'm just feeling a little worn out by the ongoing self-project at the moment, and dealing with a bit of the blues. (Also apparently a normal part of the process.)
     
  13. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    here's the good news...once you become okay with losing the ego, nothing really ever threatens you anymore...then you can bear up to all sorts of attacks and unkindness and cruelty and not be so personally surprised, offended, hurt or defensive...once we don't take our sense of self so seriously, life becomes ever so much more peaceful....it is really easy when you let go of what others say or see in you.... when you are able to move more quickly into being okay with unfair judgements being spread, when you accept that you know "you" and you have no control--none--in persueding anyone else, life gets easier ... and you learn to recognize that same wisdom in others ...and also how to recognize people you need to stay away from very, very quickly....it is a journey worth taking...be good to yourself--not self indulgent-- simply "good" as you go along...and don't take yourself so seriously...hug
     
  14. SwingingAlong

    SwingingAlong Active Member

    This is to good to just "like". So many truths in this advice.... especially in knowing yourself. One image I've always found helpful, is that of imagining myself as a landscape of mountains, covered in a fine silk. What others see, is the cover, which is my public self. Every so often, life tears a bit of a hole in the surface, and I fall through into the mountain area - this leads to thought and introspection, as I discover another part of myself as yet unexplored - I climb along, through and finally up, and return into the world having more strength and knowledge about who I am, and the peaceful introspective time I spend inside the mountains of my mind is always a time of incredible healing. Sending some more hugs.
     
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  15. Lioness

    Lioness Well-Known Member

    One of the guys I went to high school with died a few days ago...he had a really aggressive form of bone cancer called Osteosarcoma.

    It's really hard to process? I knew he was sick and we were never really close after high school, but he was so talented at everything else I just kind of assumed that he'd pull through. Like...any musical instrument that he picked up he was great at...he was my piano inspiration for so many years. He was fluent in Chinese, really smart...just an all-round amazing person. He's pretty much the reason that tiny little me got the confidence to wear glasses all the time, instead of forgetting them or deciding not to wear them (because when cute boys tell you that glasses suit you...)

    And I'm struggling a little bit with how these things work when you're not in close contact? So many of my classmates are posting on his wall and reminiscing, but I feel like I haven't known him well enough since about year 9...that's like 8 years. I'll definitely be going to the funeral...but I'm not sure how to express this weird kind of grief otherwise. I'm not torn apart but I just really thought he'd conquer this just like he conquered everything else...it's a bit of a shock to the system.

    I know that there's no wrong way to process all of this, but nothing really feels right about it either.
     
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  16. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    @Lioness i kinda went through a similar loss last month. One of the staple teachers from my high school past away after battling stage 4 colon cancer for a year and a half. I never had him as a teacher, nor was I close to him, but I knew him in the sense that you knew most everyone in a small private school and it was, is, still tough to cope with the fact that he's gone. He had such an impact on many of us and it hard to believe that so many girls (should probably mention it was an all girls school) will never know him.

    Facebook was flooded with statuses of him the week he passed and the first day I couldn't hold my tears back at work. It's hard. Especially when someone makes that much of an impact on a community. I couldn't find the right words to say in a Facebook post so I just left it at that.
     
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  17. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    L, I wish I had some older-person-type sage words of advice for you... but when it comes to death, I don't think there are any. I recall the first time that someone I knew fairly well died; it was when I was about 25 and a co-worker was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer; he died a month later. That was a "stuff just got real" moment, that I think everyone experiences in their lives after the age of 13 or so; before that one isn't mature enough to really understand the impact of it. You catch yourself days or weeks later thinking "Joe knows about this, I'll go ask him... oh wait." It's a feeling that's difficult to attach easy labels to. You can expect to feel somewhat mentally dislocated for a while. It's normal given the circumstances. Your subconscious has a lot of clever and marvelous ways of protecting you from insanity. Let it do its thing. The strange feelings will pass, and then you will have knowledge about the nature of the universe, and about yourself, that you didn't have before.

    As far as the funeral, have no fear. Funerals are not really for the dead; they are for the living. Don't worry that there might be some elaborate protocol that you aren't familiar with; it is not necessary. Just showing up, and saying hello to friends and family should you get the opportunity to speak to them, and listen to them for a minute, means a lot more to them than you realize.
     
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  18. SwingingAlong

    SwingingAlong Active Member

    Nice.
     
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  19. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    there is never ever any harm in saying that you are sorry and in sharing what you respected or admired about a person...you don't have to fix it and they don't expect that....
     
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  20. stash

    stash Well-Known Member

    Another wonderful teacher from my high school passed away yesterday. It's been a rough week to say the least.
     

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