Tango Argentino > Not touchy feely

Discussion in 'Tango Argentino' started by Tango Distance, Mar 5, 2015.

  1. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    But what was your question?
  2. The question is in posting 298 above. Here is part of the posting:

    "Why do you feel the desire to Tango if "hugging" is a problem for you?"
  3. opendoor

    opendoor Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Reuven007, I've totally lost that initial question. But (pssst) being honest, I don't love CE dancing that much, too! I simply must dance that way, see my picture, and I still find, the best dances I had, are those with NO one at hand or sticking at me ! It´s all about the music, for me anyway.
    Reuven Thetanguero likes this.
  4. Not everyone must like everything - some like OE some CE. I obviously belong to the CE "group"... What counts is that you are having good time dancing!
    sixela and opendoor like this.
  5. itwillhappen

    itwillhappen Active Member

    If I would have to choose - I would choose the CE "group".
    But I don't have to - it's tango, I dance just as I feel...
  6. Tango Distance

    Tango Distance Active Member

    Dance Adventures Minus DW

    My big reason for dance is it is a fun thing to do with my DW. It's rare I go without her, if I do it is usually something special like a birthday dance. For the record, if she is traveling or I am traveling, she encourages me to go by myself to Milongas; she does but it's rare I do (though I have been known to sit in a corner and enjoy live Blues music on my own).

    One thing I have discovered is I am more relaxed dancing with other ladies if DW is not there. Don't get me wrong, this does not mean I want to dance without DW! One Tanda with her beats a full Milonga with others. Another factor is she much more often goes to Tango events without me than vice versa. While on one hand she keeps encouraging me to go, she expresses big disappointment if I go without her. Part of it is she really really likes Tango and hates to miss tandas, and I think part of it is she is a little tiny bit jealous if I go without her. Not to worry, it all works, I prefer to go with her and dance with her.

    New Class of Compliments

    DW was on a trip. I decided to go to a visiting instructors' class. It was a close embrace class for beginners. The figure was pretty complicated, especially for a beginner's class. We did a ladies line on one side of the room, a man's line on the other side of the room, and the couple at the head of the line would dance to the end of the line. The instructors would help as people passed by. I had to concentrate hard, which left fewer brain cells to deal with the closeness part of things.

    Something new happened. Compliments I get are usually technical, and consist of things like "You are easy to follow," or "I like how you lead X." I also get indirect compliments, like "are you going to ask me tonight?" or "missed you tonight, hopefully next time!" This night had a new class of compliments, which included:

    "That was nice."

    "That was wonderful!"

    "I really enjoyed that!"

    Part of it is the TD has 2+ years of Tango experience, and a little bit of prior CE experience, and there were several beginners. I think it also helped the times were short, more like 1 to 2 minutes rather than the 10+ minutes of a tanda. Another thought was something clicked fairly quickly and it was going well compared to my classmates (not usually the case!). I think the biggest part was I was concentrating so hard on what to do I didn't have mental room for overanalysis of the personal and social repercussions of proximity between genders. Somehow the TD crossed a threshold and took a step forward.

    There's a thought, I have assumed "connection" means you are completely aware of your partner, but maybe that isn't right? Maybe "connection" means you almost forget there is a 2nd person there? That's where I was at this lesson. Hmmm, this brings to mind the phrase "One body four legs." This then makes me think of centaurs. I suppose centaurs are the most connected Tango creatures of all time... Or do centaurs say "one body eight legs?"

    One lady did not want to do close embrace. The figure was not going well. The instructors critiqued me, saying something about how could she possibly follow when we were so far apart?

    The class was followed by a practica. Being the Tango Distance I went back to dancing open embrace, except for some quick practices of the figure with my short list of ladies with whom I'll do CE. One lady was dancing like she had been drinking, she could not follow even simple steps. Finally she said she wasn't used to OE, and could we do CE. She then followed everything perfectly! That's not so hard with me, I don't know much CE! I talked to her some more. She was a visitor from out of the area, and said her area only did CE, and was surprised to hear that there is OE in my area, and OE is growing faster than CE.

    Ultimate Introvert Dance Night

    This one needs a bit of background. I have come a long ways, but I am still a ways from doing a full night of CE. I am past the dissociation part of things, but I think I'm now in full introvert mode. A small number of people directly know about my struggles. Even so, they have said "Oh, but you are all better now, right?" DW's version of this is in her mind, a dance with any woman is equivalent to a dance with her. She'll sometimes try to get me to dance with another lady so she can dance with yet another gentleman. She likes to dance with as many people as possible. I would be happy just dancing with her. We compromise, I do a small number of Tandas at the beginning and again at the end of the night with her, and she does the majority of tandas with others; I now do likewise. She has started suggesting we cut down our number of tandas together, so we can be "like other couples." Poor TD! I'm not like other people! BTW, our area does have couples that only dance with each other, or dance 80+% of the time with each other, or have the occasional night where they dance just with each other, but switch other nights. I am not completely an anomaly, but am in the minority.

    I helped some friends finish an important project, to meet a deadline, at our place. We got the project done and had a great time. I had told DW that it might go late, and to go ahead to the Milonga without me, and that I would catch up with her later. I was cleaning up afterwards, and put on some Blues music. I started walking to the beat as I put things away. Then I thought "What's the rush? I won't dance with DW until the end, anyways." I started solo dancing to Blues. I had a great time, and before I knew it an hour and a half had passed in what seemed like a moment. I went to the milonga just in time for DW and I to finish the night together. Yes it was unconventional, but was a fun night for TD the introvert.

    For the record and in case any ladies in my area read this and figure out or know who is the author: I do not want to sound unappreciative. I do enjoy our dances and your smiles! I promise to keep working on becoming a better person and more like Enrique Blanco.

    Kindness to a Stranger

    DW was on a trip. I worked very late and had dinner by myself in the wee hours at an all night diner. I was doing a quick check for Dance Forums posts on my Ipad when a lady stepped up and asked what I was doing on the computer. The Tango Distance of yesteryear would have given her a short, polite answer, and turned back to my screen to indicate she should move on. I could tell it was taking a lot out of her to get up the courage to talk to me. The new-and-improved TD asked if she would like to sit down and talk for a minute. It turned out she had just come from a live Blues music with Blues Dancing night. We had a short conversation and she returned to her table. On the way out she gave me a huge, beaming smile. I give dance credit for my enhanced body language reading skills for correctly reading she just wanted a bit of conversation, and nothing more; for thinking more about others; and for making a lady's night better.

    Immediately Asked

    DW was out of town again. I was working late, and a Blues dance was right on my way home. I decided to stop by. My instructors were there, and I danced with my lady instructor. A need for more lessons was indicated! Then, a lady I had never seen before ran up and asked me. Later that night a winner of a multistate Blues competition asked me. Historically, except for instructors, it has been TD that does the asking at Blues events.

    I never have done the night club thing very much. In high school and college I went a few times. Generally it was with dates. The few times I went with other males were time and money wasted. A friend's band was playing at a local night club. He plays for fun a couple times a year, so we try to grab his shows when we can. I have never gone to a night club by myself, but DW was out-of-town and gave her blessing to go. I walked in, put on my dance shoes (my plan was to dance by myself, lots of people do that in night clubs), and a lady immediately grabbed both of my hands and pulled me onto the dance floor. I could tell later that night another lady, after seeing me dance by myself, really wanted to dance, so we did a song together, too.

    Since I got there late, and missed most of the show, I went again the next night. History repeated itself. As soon as I had my shoes on, a lady ran up, grabbed both of my hands, and pulled me onto the floor. She was a terrible follower, but she had a blast and her friends hooted and hollered their approval. Two other ladies expressed high interest, but hurriedly left when a drunk wasn't getting the hint they were no longer interested. Later on, I could tell an old lady really wanted a song. I'm not usually this forward, but I could tell and you can't talk over all that sound volume anyways, so I held out my hand and she took it. She enjoyed it!

    I was happy that each dance ended with "thank you," no hug, and that was the end of it.

    I know what you are thinking. "Waltz Tango Hustle! Methinks the Tangoest Distancethest protesteth too much!" I don't think I have mentioned before that I was OK dancing with romantic partners, or the not-touching, or just hands-touching dances you can do at night clubs. I'm kind of like a Theremin: Enough separation and nothing happens, but as you approach the pitch gets higher and higher, until it is ear piercing upon contact. Two years of intensive dance therapy later, and I'm very OK with OE distances. In true introvert fashion CE runs down my batteries pretty quickly, so I just do some with a few select ladies. Just a reminder, a common colloquial definition of an introvert is they feel their batteries get discharged by interaction -- they much prefer smaller groups over large groups, friends over strangers, and limited doses of interaction. Extroverts get charged up by interaction!

    It was a very interesting study in the difference between Tango culture and night club culture. At the night club, there were about 20 ladies dancing by themselves or in little groups. There might be 1 to 4 couples dancing, and only 1 or 2 men dancing without a partner (yours truly included). There were about 2 times that many people spectating.

    I had thought to myself, "Do I really want to be 'one of the girls' and dance by myself?" Then I thought, "Waltz Tango Hustle, I want to dance!" It was definitely my kind of music and I knew the songs well. My dance experience gave me confidence and a desire to do more than sit there.

    Another interesting thought is "it takes 2 to Tango." It is a harder dance to do by oneself, maybe that's why I haven't seen ladies dancing by themselves at Milongas.

    It's not something I plan to repeat any time soon, but it was an interesting. Our friend's band plays again in a few months, I am looking forward to taking Dw this time.
  7. Tango Distance, you should start a blog - your writing is very thoughtful and engaging!
    Tango Distance likes this.
  8. Tango Distance

    Tango Distance Active Member

    Many thanks. I don't think I do enough that it would be interesting to write daily or weekly, but I do a blog-like post here every month or two. I figure I'll quit posting in this thread if I hit the point where I look forward to doing CE all night at a statistically significant number of Milongas (that would be 9 for a greater than 99% confidence level, for you statistics fans). If you haven't, I'd suggest reading this whole thread, it has many posts like #326. I'm not normally so intense a person, all of my other hobbies are enjoyed at a much simpler level, but I've had to climb a mountain to enjoy Tango.

    Something I didn't mention in that post (but it was discussed earlier in this thread): Some introverts find Tango a good way to lessen, yes, lessen interaction. It's one person at a time, no eye contact, and no talking. For me I enjoy talking and can do eye contact and even lots of handshakes, hey I'm 3/4 of the way to being a CE Milonguero! Rats, wait, you don't need talking, eye contact, and handshakes to do a Tanda, well maybe eye contact for Mirada/Cabeceo. Oh well, I'm 1/2 way there.

    Here's an interesting quote I hit tonight from http://theotherkiss.com/TangoFAQs.htm :

    ... tango would, on first sight, appear to be scandalous. In either case, you can assure your mom or daughter that there is a more "prudent" form of the tango called "open embrace" that is becoming all the rage ... .

    If you are still concerned, the fundamentals class is taught exclusively in an "open embrace" so that students can "see" what is going on. Subsequent classes will transition to the posture and possibilities of a "close" embrace that is the hallmark and standard of the tango.

    In reality, the "fear" of the embrace goes away all too quickly and you are left with the marvelous feeling of closeness that is unique to the tango. Soon, hugging someone becomes very natural and you become sad for people who do not allow themselves the freedom to do it.

    At first I felt sarcastic and cynical that all that Tango connection bliss requires is "allow themselves the freedom to do it." On the other hand, the article has a good point. Tens of ladies are literally standing there willing to hug me for 10+ minutes, foibles and all. Some are not afraid to ask, and others persistent in that arm tugging that says "please come closer." In a sense it is a gift right there that merely needs to be accepted. My area has many men that will oblige them.

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